Nobody wants to work with assholes. Nothing new under the sun. And yet.

When we sketch the portrait of our ideal collaborators, we’re often very demanding — and that’s a good thing! But there’s one notion we tend to skip over: if you want to attract smart people, you need to behave like a smart person yourself.

“How to find a good spouse? The best single way is to deserve a good spouse… To get what you want, you have to deserve what you want.”
— Charlie Munger

Whatever area of life we’re talking about, it’s essential to live up to the expectations we set for the people we want inside our circle.

I’ve always known it mattered to be reliable, honest, efficient — all the things you’d expect — both at work and in life. But I also think that, like everyone, I’ve sometimes made excuses for myself, let down people who were counting on me, and failed to fully own my responsibilities.

And often, when we do that, we’re convinced our excuses are valid — until someone from the outside (or life itself) shakes us awake and we realize we’re part of the problem.

Raise the bar

This is not about lowering your expectations so you don’t have to face your own shortcomings.

Personally, I want clients who are invested, who can question themselves, and who take my advice seriously. So when I’m the client — or when my boyfriend points out I’m in the wrong — I try not to be stubborn as hell and I own it. Same goes for when I fall short with my clients. I’m not infallible, and when I make a mistake I do my best to fix it fast — and, above all, to acknowledge it.

What I can’t stand is when clients try to hide things they’ve done that end up throwing a wrench in what we’d planned. It’s really not a big deal — but if I have to play Sherlock Holmes instead of simply being told they attempted a quick hack because (like me) patience isn’t their strong suit, we all lose time (and money).

I try not to just settle for what I already have. For many, that’s perfectionism — a flaw. I think continually raising the bar is how I make sure I don’t rest on my laurels. It’s how I avoid getting bogged down and bored with what I do. And nothing torpedoes my performance — and the quality of what I deliver for my clients — faster than boredom.

Boredom is like molasses: it’ll glue you to the bottom of the swamp of mediocrity in no time. And once you’re down there, it won’t be as fun as dinner at Shrek’s. If your heart’s no longer in your work, you’ll attract fewer clients — and mostly the kind of clients who mirror where you’re at. If you’re content with the swamp, chances are they are too.

How do you make sure you’re worthy of the standards you set for others?

So how do I make sure I’m not knee-deep in mud? I have guardrails:

• My inner circle. Honestly, that’s my best anti-slump system. The people around me know what I expect from myself; they help me avoid being too hard on myself and keep me from letting go when times are rough.
• My journals. Keeping a written trace of decisions and reflections helps you spot the moments you’re just making excuses.
• Support. Coaching or therapy helps you observe and understand your behaviors — the good and the bad. It also keeps you from being too harsh with yourself (my specialty). I’ve basically got a PhD in self-flagellation.
• Communication. Asking others to clearly express their expectations, clearly expressing mine, and reframing when necessary is the best way to avoid ending up in a situation where one side is frustrated. Telling my clients what I expect from them is just as important as knowing what they expect from me (works for friends and family too).

My expectations as a sparring partner

When you’re a right-hand/strategic partner, you step into the most strategic and sensitive parts of a business. I often have access to highly confidential information, and it’s not easy for clients to trust me when, at first, we’re two strangers learning each other’s ways. So one of my non-negotiables — and promises — is confidentiality.

I also promise my clients absolute trust, which means I give them mine. If we split tasks, I won’t go back over their work (unless they ask me to) and vice versa. I can’t do a proper job with someone who insists on keeping a hand on everything I do.

I hold myself to total candor. I can’t work if I’m not honest. If I think we’re heading for a wall or that an idea is off-base, I’ll say it. I’ll try to cushion it — but I’ll never let my clients make decisions that could harm them without giving my take. I share my opinion and I respect theirs. I’m not here to take their place. I’m here as support and counsel — and I accept that sometimes we won’t agree, and that my client will always have the final say.

From my clients, I expect punctuality, understanding, and tolerance. So I respect meeting times and delivery deadlines. I also understand that kid emergencies aren’t predictable, that life happens — and I would never blame them for putting themselves and their families first.

When you’re prospecting, responding to RFPs or job postings, it’s essential to remember: the client chooses us from among many profiles, but we choose them too.

I’ve already turned down clients, and I’ll do it again if I feel I’m not the right person to help. Maybe the mission falls outside my scope — or maybe it’s a personality mismatch. Trust me, it’s better to hear “this won’t work” from someone honest than to end up with a freelancer who forces it — and a collaboration that drags painfully.